DO YOUNG ONES' REALLY LIE ?
DO YOUNG ONES' REALLY LIE ?
To a young child the meaning/concept of a lie is not clear at all - to them it begins with LOVE ! Yes...do not reach out for your specs...you read it right : To them, initially it is all about loving their parents, Shocked ? Understandable !
A Scene Out Of A typical Living Room - Father to a young son - ' Son what happened at the Football team selections at School ?... eh ??? Am sure buddy you would have swept the selectors off their feet with your Full Back Built -...hmm I guess you are the biggest kid in your class...right ??? Kid - ( a bit irritated by the enthusiasm of the dad..." Errr yea am bigger than them....well most of them.... !!! Father - "Utta Boy...I knew it...so what about the selection....???" By this time the Son has realized that his father has set his heart upon the selection ...He wants to tell the truth that he has been passed over but he feels deep down for the dad and his enthusiasm ..he loves his parents and does not feel like letting them down in their expectations so he comes up with half truth.."..dad the final announcements have yet to come but I think I will make it as the coach was all praise and he said I stand a good chance..." Voila - you have a fibber in the making. He did not want to lie but he still did.
As they get older they learn the art of fibbing and its many interesting uses...it is still a game for them and they are unimpressed by the morality part of it. They realize the fun of withholding information - Scene II - " Mom - " Honey I had kept the cookies in the jar today morning...can't see them now..have you had them or your brother has ???" Kid has eaten all but considers this as an interesting game (lets play guess guess..so he/she thinks)...so she/ he looks at the mom innocence personified...trying hard to suppress the giggle...? "Dunno mom..." and then for more fun adds a concoction ..." I saw Rahul hovering around the jar today ...( inward chuckle chuckle)" another step to become a fibber ..........
Then they graduate from the fun part to the power part. To them suddenly fibbing is about power to get back.As parents rub off kids bit wrong with various restrictions, they tend to feel the need to get back and when asked about simple queries like who their best friend is ..they would prefer to dodge it completely and enjoy the parents frustration from that information withheld.
At a later stage they start experiencing the utility of it all to get out of situations (seemingly so though). So Scene III : Teacher - " ...and may I know as to why you could not complete your home work ???" Kid...(this one is a story teller).." Mam - well...errrrr.........(not being able to think of a suitable excuse and buying time...uhh let it be..am sorry will never repeat it..." Teacher - no I insist - tell me.." Kid - well mam ...my mom..." Yes yes..what happened to your mom ???' Kid struck with the Eureka moment now.." yea mam ..my mom fell and broke her ankle and dad was not at home so we had to get her the first aid....etc etc.."
So on and so forth.... the kids keep on growing into mature liars...parents go from an alarm and scandalized phase to cribbing and grumbling....finally swallowing the bitter pill - Period !
We can surely help the situation as elders and parents. First elders need to realize is that it is not so scandalous that a child has begun to lie. She/He would not even understand what a lie is....its like casting stone first by one who has never ever lied...even as an act of omission (as opposed to commission) as a lie is a lie technically.
Thereafter one can begin by setting expectations at a practical level and give the feeling to the kids that they are loved as much whether they are on the football team or not...after all only 16 players can be on the team out of the hundreds.Like wise in other cases..academics etc etc
The most important part comes out of a personal experience - Concerned by stumbling upon a couple harmless lies by my son I tried this and it worked beautifully (can be adapted according to the situation and age and culture etc by all I guess). I asked him off hand while on an errand driven car ride together - "Hey you know what ? I am writing an article on why we should not lie despite some seeming gains which come out of lying..Can you think of some reasons ???..He looked at me quizzically to check if it was trap...I maintained a dead pan matter of fact expression. He considered escaping the question but I had chosen my moment well...I was doing 50 miles an hour and destination was an hour away...he realized there was no choice so he settled to actually think about it...his reply really surprised me by its depth - his top reasons for not lying were as follows : " Lies finally get caught and you have to lie to cover the previous lie ..its a vicious cycle...; Also people discover soon that you always lie so credibility erodes and no one believes you when you are telling the truth too (surprise of all surprises - he even reminded me about the wolf and shepherd story where villagers do not believe that wolf has attacked the Sheep) ; Then you are always worried after lying that your lie may be discovered ! Lastly ...at the moment they are only aware of the rewards of lying which are so short term and would surely lead to bigger punitive results later !"
Woa...it struck me at that point that should the kids be made aware of the consequence of lying they will be less prone to it.Add to it - Its important to solve the problem and develop their problem solving skills rather than resort to running away from the consequences by fibbing !
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