Open Letter To Parents

Dear Parents,

It's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. To believe that your teenager will never back talk, stay out too late or pierce her ears multiple times is like living in a dream – choice is yours..Get Real or Dream on.

Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both biologically and physiologically…and cognitively, it’s natural for teenagers to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.

But that doesn't mean you have to ignore all that which is harmful and brewing up. You can troubleshoot the following most faced teen behavior problems in an effective and relatively civilized fashion coming across to them as a consultant rather than a manager.

Hate you Mom Dad phenomenon:

One minute your precious but insecure child is begging you to lie down with her while its dark and thundering in the skies at bedtime. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like a stranger, ignoring you and protesting against all your advice.

It's heartbreaking for parents when this happens. It’s important to understand that the child enters the world made by their parents but the teen lives in the world made by Peers. Part of adolescence is about separating and discovering their own identities and they need to reject their parents in order to find their own identities (which is normal). Peer relation is not a side show any longer but the main show! They are instinctively primed to ‘unsafe world’ rather than the ‘safe havens’ of the home.

Dealing with it :

Sometimes parents feel so hurt that they return the rejection -- which is a big mistake. Teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can't admit it. The emotional turmoil they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and roll with the unintended punches they throw at you till they are about 18 years of age. Be that invisible coach who is around and guiding but not nagging and interfering and smothering.

However it is not being suggested that your teen should be allowed to be  nasty or abuse or curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic discipline. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your teenager know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while.

Communication Devices Syndrome:

Paradoxical that modern form of communication like instant messaging, texting, and talking on cell phones make them less communicative with the people they live with. It does make them vulnerable to wrong stuff premature exposure and does curb their critical thinking faculty (since they outsource thinking to the net world) besides pushing them towards a virtual world. But forbidding all use of electronic devices is unrealistic and retrogressive .Being networked with their friends is critical and in a way healthy for teens.

Dealing with it:

Best is to appreciate the big picture. If your child is doing well in school and is manageable at home not turning into a recluse, it's probably best to ignore net and phone times. But at the same time - It's all right to set reasonable limits like no texting or cell phone calls during dinner. Some parents prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Helps to have simple rules like - Computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep…or ask him to pay his own cell phone bills through pocket money. Occasionally do check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Staying up/out Late:

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your son to be in bed….but he ignores your curfew.

Teens almost always test limits…yours and theirs…explain to them why they need to sleep early and you yourself sleep early to lead by example so that the child does not feel singled out.

Dealing With it:

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable? Call a few of your kids' friends' parents and find out when they expect their kids’ home. Give kids a 10-minute grace period and never enter that dare game..’ I SAID NOW YOUNG LADY!!!’ Gracefully give them their dignity and tell them …’ how much time to wind up what you are doing? Ten minutes? OK fair enough…but do go to bed after that for sure…and make sure thereafter that they do so. You will be surprised how easily they respect the second deadline which is just ten minutes apart. And if they defy that set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week…and when you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff teenagers -- they will always call you on it. But do get a sign off on that rule which is easy when a bargaining is going on..a child will trade a lot to get a little that point on time.

Your hatred towards some friends of theirs:

You wince every time your son disappears from the front door through the door with his hippie type friends. Should you take it in your stride or do something?

Dealing with it:

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent .Hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. Teenagers are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly.

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs. While you can't forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Hyper Reactions from Teens:

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a teenager is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Dealing with it:

Parents tend to trivialize the importance of things in teenagers' lives. What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. Just listen and sympathize.

Above were a few challenges and pointers to get in good with your teens…Thumb rule is to put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself. It is also important to understand that teens are more driven by risks especially in front of their peers rather than rewards (it explains why they do silly stuff to impress their peers) so do not try and get in their good books by flooding them with toys an smothering them with over attention…be that strong silent coach on the side lines interfering ever so subtly and empathetically…

Happy Parenting – Uncle Teen HR Power House